seriously when i have kids they’re going to happily celebrate “”"christmas”"”, on June 6th, no pressure, just lots of gifts.

and no one over the age of 50 allowed to even talk on that day.

addendum:
fuck old people

do i just encourage people to want something entirely different than me? is my _________ really so poisonous? what am i doing to them to say ‘no’? i’m adored for a minute, but then you want something totally, completely different. as far away as you can get. i can’t keep someone contented–maybe no one really can, maybe i’m just too self-aware.

you start off thinking i’m pretty good, but then you just want more or less or younger or older or quieter or louder or whatever. a dog. a man. sweat-stained sheets. to be alone. fatter. thinner. darker. i’m never enough, that is just how it ends up. maybe i’m not sullying anyone, maybe they just want something else, something they think of when they’re sick of looking at all this, this stupid body that i wanted as a lonely chunky gothy tween. i was shit, but i guess you can dress it up all day and people will still be ashamed of it after awhile.

you can never be happy with what you have~~classic phrases~~
grass is always greener ~~___ _____~~
i guess i should take comfort in the whole jennifer aniston thing, right

become david lee roth apparently ? ? ? ?

jesus christ how could i have known, should i have known? is it an important thing, am i just overthinking…i don’t know what to make of it, but i have absolute 00 people i could ask.
hey there stranger are you a wise ______ ?
the disconnect between garga and out is stronger everyday,
i need my hands inside i couldve done it, but then i needed hands inside
i pressed in, impressed him, but then i couldnt feel the muscles anymore
then again-y, henny-penny, you only missed a ship that cannot dock !
little missle america: last missive ? ? ? ? what a passive pisser
~~play misty, im dying, im ditzy~~
so soft so done so 1 so 1 so 1

!!and the one who knows is me.

i wonder now if she thinks about me, what she thinks, how she pictures it, how she pictured it… so many things i’ll never, ever know about her. i guess it is like that with everyone, though. i wish my children would have a grandmother like i did, but i know she can’t be that. i wouldn’t want to trouble her to play as if, i want her to be better. i want her to be happy. i can’t do that, and no part of me ever could. whatever she needs, i don’t have, and i never will. i don’t think anyone does. i try to think, over and over and over again, for all of my life, how she looked me. i try to imagine what it must be like for her…she had so many pictures of me all over the place, but we never spoke. hoarding the physical presence of me as her child, but having to realize the mind and the heart was long gone. does she though? i guess i really can’t know for sure.

i’ve never been able to picture her getting older. i can’t see her as anything other than the beautiful young mother who loved me, strong and short, and then left my world. maybe that’s for the best. maybe i should stop thinking about it entirely. why think about something you just couldn’t help?

I just think I should log it, I suppose.  I’m happy with each day that passes– it’s really, really great.   I guess you don’t feel like griping on an internet journal when you’re as pleasant feeling as I have been, haha.  I’m just so happy, and I don’t worry too much about anything.  You’d think I might be more ‘stressed’ or moody with the advent of a relationship, especially one that currently has a limitation that seems to make a lot of people go mad or give up,  but that’s not happening at all, so much the opposite it seems like other people have been going about it all wrong.   I really don’t get where the hang-ups and hand-wringing goes on with someone being a distance away, especially these days.  It’s so easy to be in contact with a person, modern technology and all, that it hardly seems like a big deal.  Imagine all the people throughout history who maintained or formed relationships strictly through sending letters every time they were able, months or so in-between.  What could I possibly have to complain about?  I guess it would be different if you hadn’t really gotten the chance to form a background of communication… but I don’t know, it doesn’t seem even a tiny bit awkward or hard to me, it is just a matter of patience and waiting, and that is hardly something that can’t be lived with.  People, generations, countries, wait eons for so many trivial things, so I can definitely wait to see someone wonderful whenever the chance is given.  I hope, and think, he sees it similarly.

Other than that, I’m still just trying to find another crummy job to do some uninspired toiling at.  I had an interview a few days ago, at a home goods sort of store–I think I did well, but it will be a few days until I hear back anything at all.  If I do get a job soon, I’ll probably have an increased amount of things to complain about.

One place I applied at, some stupid Local Pizza Restaurant, still has their “Now Hiring” sign up, and it’s been up now for about a month, maybe?  At least?  Wow, since a few days after Christmas, now that I think about it.    What sort of glass slipper arrangement do they expect in there, someone to come in with years of experience in their specific restaurant that they just didn’t know about?  A long-lost relative, an heir?   They’re not going to get much better than what they get within the first month, I’m just assuming, statistically.

Whatever, I can’t wait until my t-a-a-a-x  r-e-e-e-t-u-u-u-r-n is deposited.  It will be hard, but I think I’m going to try my best to just preserve it.   If I get a job soon, it will definitely be easier–so, let’s hope I can work for a few uh, weeks or something, at least, haha.

this was worth downloading
this wasn’t even worth the ten dollars, but i think i would weep openly, mourn like some kind of bloaty-headed irish midwife if i had paid the original price
(seriously”"IRL”" it looks like something an electrician would make for his wife in the 1920s out of his old blazer and scraps of scorched denim and some girl has the nerve to say the sleeves are too long in the reviews, well girl in the reviews JUST LOOK AT MY ARMS they are normal length arms and yet here they are, not fully sleeved ]:0( )
alright am i just going to have to accept this appliqued flower thing for the rest of my life orrrrr
okay then i guess i’ll just work on coming to an understanding about this brave new world

There is no way I wanted so much stuff from there last holiday season (which I did) if this was the sort of thing I was seeing:
To be fair, I hate sweater coats. Seriously, they just look like the crappy ‘dusters’ that were a big hit in my middle school.  I had one, it was the ugliest thing.  Other girls had them, they were the ugliest things.  No one looks better in a sweater coat than they would in any other kind of coat.  Every single other type of coat looks better than that, even big, puffy, North Face shit from the 90s.  Remember, featured heavily in any video with P. Diddy?  Or a trash bag.  I really, really hate ‘sweater coats’.  I like sweaters, I like coats–but they are two good things that just look frumpy together.  Prove me wrong!  Show me a halfway decent sweater/coat hybrid.   Worst of all, I don’t even think they’re that warm.

This is over 100 dollars. I think I saw 100 variations on this at Marshall’s, or TJ Maxx, or anywhere on Earth.  Anthropologie has always been over-priced, but this year it just seems insane.  I wouldn’t buy a zipper cardigan for so much as 20 dollars, but I guess I might wear one for free–and I like cardigans.  That just looks like a shapeless mess with zippers.  At the very least they should have these things with actual human beings in them, because I’d love to see what benefit the ~~side zippers~~ have.  It looks like it would make it more drapey, ‘~~~!romantic!~~~~’ as is the style of Anthro, but the zippers would pretty much ruin the feminine softness, right?  Am I dead wrong?  I kind of feel like this one I could be wrong about; but I’d need to see it on a person, at least.

Over 100 dollars worth of corduroy, really? I also hate corduroy.  If I wanted this skirt, well, my mother and her old shit is just a phone call away.

At first I thought this was ugly, but it just grew on me in the last 30 seconds. It could actually be cute.  I’m not sure I’d pull it off personally, but if I was a twee-50s type I think I’d really like this.  Still though, the price–what ~!>~>!  Felt flower appliques on a cute cardigan sounds like something a person might be able to just do at home if they were so inclined.  If it was just say, 50 dollars, I’d want to at least try it on, see if I could handle all the kitsch.

This, I love. Oh, of course–300.

Suddenly, everything is back to being qt.  I guess that sweater dress really threw me to the ground.   wait spoke 2222 soon

Alright, I guess its about 75/25 with the favor going to pretty cute/acceptable on others stuff–it just seems like when I first found them I was enamored of every single thing.

ps what is the deal with 3/4 and quarter sleeves in coats?    Maybe I’m not old fashioned enough, but I don’t really want to have to wear gloves in order to keep all of my arm-length warm.  I’m lazy.  I also do not like belted-in cardigans.  I’m fussy!  Layering sort of annoys me, just because I don’t think I get it.  The neckline always throws me off my game.
Great now there is something in my eyeeee urrrhhhh sorry anthropologie i wont blog bad about you n e more ;___(

birthday tomorrow
im gonna drink something ~~adult~~ at a restaurant with my grandparents and my dad , and i am genuinely excited about this.  i am basing my dinnerdecision on the availability of mixed drinks and whether or not they have creme brulee.  i’m also thinking about going to the liquor store early in the morning haha

I’m still unemployed, so this really is a great time to pick up a drinking habit i guess loooool

I’m hoping someone calls back soon…someone other than McDonald’s.  I think I’d be a pretty good waitress, hostess, what-have-you.  I’m very friendly looking, and I’m pretty much affable, at least.  I also have a perfectly adequate short-term memory and I can stand for hours on end.  If I was any good, at least as a server, I’d make a lot more money than I would in retail–and pretty much everyone I’ve applied with pays more than Walmart did–but I’m not discounting the idea of just going back there.  If I don’t get a call-back soonish, I’ll just go ahead and apply there again. We’ll see~~!~!!   I’m also toying with the idea of just going in full time in short order, for the money.  Then again, I do really enjoy being at home.  The obvious answer is to start off part-time, and if I feel I need more money/I don’t hate the work environment, just move on into full-time.  I know that once they actually take a chance(takeachancetakeatakeachancechance) on hiring me, whatever employer will be happy that they did.  I’m a pretty strong worker and I’m more than capable of handling whatever menial dilemma might beleaguer me in the entry-level field.  I thought about like, a temp agency, data entry, what-have-you…the problem there is location.  I don’t want to have to drive over 15 minutes away to make 10 bucks.  I suppose I would, though.  It just wouldn’t be my first choice.

Right now, anything is my first choice, I want to start sacking away some ca$$$h.  I think it feels so urgent, maybe because I need to prove to myself that I am capable of providing…at least keeping myself alive?    The college rejection was definitely a letdown, I want to be reminded that I am not just some internet-based slug.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that~!~!~!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosopagnosia

that is pretty cool