Now, today’s mysterious search string:
“if i had my druthers james whitcomb riley”
Which is a series of words that were all used in my jock jam earlier blog, ‘plate japes’
Hmmm~~ the plot thiqqins
then again it could just be a coincidence, someone wanting to find out if james whitcomb riley ever used the phrase “if i had my druthers”
spoilers!!!!!
he probably did at least once or twice
I killed one (01) spider today, and one (01) gnat.
If I told you in confidence, online journal, this weird thing, would you tell all the other blogs? I could not handle that.
The situation is as follows-this same time last year, I was hounded by small, pudgy-bodied gnats, that I could’ve sworn only wanted me. My dad had a few swats at the air in his office, but his office is right next to my room. When I’m downstairs, there is the occasional incredibly fast gnat, just darting around my face. If it is my father and I both, no gnat to be seen, all day. It’s certainly not an epidemic, or an -and I swear to god it’s taking every bit of togetherness I have to just not start screaming and clawing at myself to type this word out, to think of it, to know it-an infestation. Just one gnat a day, really. Sometimes none, sometimes two. Always the same kind. When it happens, I try and just breathe very shallowly, not taking in too much air, until I get a good read on where it is–because of this phobia I have, really, the only one I have, of insects getting inside of me. The only things ever to really give me the wooooorst creeps in movies or books, is insects in or around people’s entry points. Or open wounds. Or EYES GODDAMNIT
Yeah, tiny little bugs are the worst, because they can be anywhere, and you’ve probably sometime inadvertently eaten one. The idea of that makes me want to never even smell food. Peanut butter was one of my favorite things, but the second I heard that freaking insect allowance like, 80 percent locust hearts or whatever, I don’t even want to smell it from the jar. Every little grain, teeny tiny bit of non-smoothness, it’s just another cricket’s exospine. The smooth bits, that is just finely pureed insectinside goo.
ahghghgggghhh
when I see people eating outside, or drinking out of non-covered beverages, I can’t help but start to think about what insects might be hovering around their mouths that they don’t even know about. Or the flies that landed on their flesh, moisture, and vegetable sandwich before they started eating it, and where those flies had been before.
Inside of kitchens, restaurant kitchens, the kitchens of home’s that I’ve never been to, and just general food service areas, just think about all the different possible parasite contamination points. I’m more or less over it, really. All it takes to remind me of this ridiculous fear is one gnat, an ant, a spider, anything. Then everything turns red, images flit around me, people eating spiders, eating lobsters, seaspiders, giving birth to ants or ant-headed babies, someone says, “What? I couldn’t hear you.” and a roach comes shooting out of their ear, somebody breathes in too deeply and finds themselves with a botfly in their nose, an animal evacuates it’s bowels; nothing left but parasites, it’s deathtime, and the body bloats with more and more and more of them.
A tiny baby has a tiny cut that a tiny gnat is laying eggs in
circle of life ? ? ?
ahhhghgghghhghghhghg seriously I’m shirked away from my own monitor right now, I’d rather watch a million uh, things other people find really gross, than see one insect anywhere near a human being, or things a human would at some point try and eat.
It’s not even the usual suspects that gross me out so much, like scorpions. Scorpions, I’m okay with. They walk around on hot sand all day, just hang out, and we keep to ourselves. A scorpion has no interest in getting anywhere near me, and I’ll never run into one, because I don’t hang out near hot, dry, and sandy places. So scorpions, go on, get yours. What’s it to me?
It’s gnats, and flies, those living goddamn cloud formation bastards that come around in the spring and hover directly in front of your point B. It’s butterflies, and moths, anything that I can’t gauge a pattern of behavior in. What is your motivation, you fuzzy, powdery weirdo insect? Just because one of you is more colorful, I’m not falling for it. It’s ever tiny, insubstantial thing that I just can’t keep an eye on. It’s spiders, oh god, is it spiders. Roly-poly bugs, those ones that leave dry husks (FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST), dragonflies, but scorpions…Scorpions are alrriiiiight.
If we ever terraform our moon, our another planet’s, or Mars, or anywhere, and they say, “The only animal life will be humans.” I will say yes, yes, a thousand times yes to you, NASA. Thank you.
Or even, “We’re testing a new hyper-bubble house that is stark white, sterile, and maintains a temperature more or less too cold for the average insect to survive in. You will be provided with a suitable cardigan, and food that has been sprayed thoroughly with cleaning solution.” I accept your terms, Mr. President.
so basically what I’m getting at is that I would really like to never see a gnat again :_)
even though it’s just three or four a week, tops, it still makes me worry that I’m dying, organs failing, they can smell it, they’re just waiting me out…tell me it’s not true
i sound so crazy like this is some all-consuming thought of mine. it’s just that when i get to thinking about it, this is the direction it all goes in. Let me have this one phobia, alright internet
just
this
once
maybe I should stop updating this blog at 4:30 a.m.. . . ….
seriously though one time a butterfly flew out of some shrub and directly into my diaphragm and was fluttering, just beating against me. It could’ve been a hummingbird, since i actually felt it thumping across me. Then, one time even earlier than that (the butterfly incident as it is henceforth termed took place when I was around 11 or 12) I brought a moth back to life after killing it.
oh my god
what if they think i’m their queen
a queen that hates her own people
What am I
t o d o . . . .
yeah it’s 4:40 now :_(
